Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It's a blustery/windy day outside. My daughter is pregnant. I'm not mad about the prengancy, upset that she didn't heed my warning. Upset that it could jeapordize her health. She said for me to get off of her back, well, I guess I better just stick to myself. I don't want to get hurt about all of this. I'm already attached to the baby.When people say that it's about themselves, and no one else. That statement is far from true. Decisions affect everyone around them. Decisions not only affect yourself, but those who love you. When all is said and done, who is left? Your family. Wish my loved ones can see that.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Haven't posted in a LONG time. I had to post something tonight..or morning. It's 1:00am. I went out with my daughter; she asked me to go to a bar. It was not fun. I think I brought my daughter down. I feel bad. I don't fit. The people were drunk, and I think I embarassed my daughter without realizing it. I guess I'm too old, too teacherish, and just plain stuck in my ways. Never thought my youth would just be sooo far behind. How silly of me...why didn't I realize how old I am?
Ralph is still in Germany, I worry about our marriage. He's been gone for over a year now. I wonder what our future will be like?
I still knit, but it takes me so long. It doesn't come naturally and I wish I was good at it. There are so many projects I would love to do, but know that I probably would screw those up too.
My friends have their families, so it seems I'm down on the friend list too. I'm just a sorry ole gal, aren't I.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Up Hill Battle

I have really enjoyed knitting..wish I was better at it. Bought some linen yarn..feels funny, but it suppose to be really nice after a few washings.
Ralph lives in Germany and seems to be enjoying it. Andee is Andee..has some good days and bad.
Bryanna had a benign tumor taken out of her breast along with surrounding tissue. Apparently, there were nodules around it. But at least it's benign. Not good in someone so young though.
I am having a difficult one to really talk to about my life. Married, single, categories appropriate for me. No self help books, or understanding of this situtation. Not sure I understand it either.
I am dealing with some Melancholoy...sorry, pity party.
People see me as strong, but right now, I'm not. Tired of dealing with everything...oh well. Feels like an uphill battle, with no one truly helping.
I have so much to do around the house..and I'm not handy with those things.
Wish I was, but I'm not. Gained 10 pounds too...yuck.
On the bright side, love knitting:)

Monday, February 9, 2009

missing my husband

I am missing my husband. He is in Germany's a good job, and I'm lucky that he has a job. Most of my students don't. I feel so bad for them..losing their jobs. I don't know what I would do if Ralph lost his job. Went to pick up Andee's medicine today; it went up another I wasn't expecting that increase..I bought shoes and now I feel guilty because I had to charge the medicine because I spent money on shoes. I feel irresponsible. Guilt seems to be a part of my being lately:
Guilty for not being there for all of my students.
Guilty for not moving and being with my husband.
Guilty for not cleaning my house.
Guilty for not running as much.
Guilty for not being there for my friends.....
Guilty seems to be my middle name as of late. I need to get back on track and know I can't be all things to all people. That's God's job, not mine. So why do I think I can do it?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Scott and my mom

Isn't this a great pic of my brother and mom? I haven't seen him for awhile. He's a great bicycler, and mom is a great runner..faster than me! She's faster than most people at her age! I wish I had their athletic abilities! My sister has that gene too. She has creativity and knows how to put things together in a fashionable way. Also, she's a great gymnist. Me, I'm a wannabee..just keep plugging along. I have to work really hard to keep at a decent weight, them, they don't. They are naturally thin and athletic..where did I come from? I often wonder about that..if I didn't look so much like my father, I would wonder:)

I am knitting a sweater; it's been alot of work. If it wasn't for my knitting group, I know I would not have finished. Kathleen keeps telling me "it's not rocket science", but it doesn't come naturally to me. I admire people who can knit and make beautiful things. Timmie spins her own yarn; she makes socks without even looking at a pattern!
My dream is to become an accomplished knitter, but I honestly don't think that will happen. I'm too clumsy with my fingers and yarn. I will keep trying because it seems I really like the women in my knitting group. I look forward to every Thursday in meeting with them. I listen to them talking about different patterns, yarns, groups and feel so left out, but it's fascinating to listen to them. Maybe someday, I will feel like I can contribute to their conversations.
The only thing I know how to do is teach. I love teaching adults, but lately, I don't seem to be doing enough. I feel like I'm failing my students, and colleagues. I'ts been difficult to meet the needs of everyone. I worked 12 hours everyday last week and still could meet everyone's needs..only scratched the surface. In fact, I miss my knitting group. I teach thursday nights, and they meet on that night...I teach on that night, so I can only meet them for 45 minutes. I wish I could stay longer...

On the upside...what about today???? I'm so happy about the new president!!!! HOPE, is all I can think about,,,,Bush sent my husband oversees and tried to take my job (he took away ALL funding for Adult Education)..thank God for Senater Kennedy; he put a stop to it!

My husband is leaving for Germany this friday; I don't know when he will be home. I miss him. My prayer is for me not to get used to being alone. I'm very concerned about that. I wish I could talk to somebody about this..I have no friends that would understand these feelings. Where do I fit in? Not single, Not Widowed, Not separated, married, but single? Who am I?