missing my husband

I am missing my husband. He is in Germany working...it's a good job, and I'm lucky that he has a job. Most of my students don't. I feel so bad for them..losing their jobs. I don't know what I would do if Ralph lost his job. Went to pick up Andee's medicine today; it went up another 100.00..wow. I wasn't expecting that increase..I bought shoes and now I feel guilty because I had to charge the medicine because I spent money on shoes. I feel irresponsible. Guilt seems to be a part of my being lately:
Guilty for not being there for all of my students.
Guilty for not moving and being with my husband.
Guilty for not cleaning my house.
Guilty for not running as much.
Guilty for not being there for my friends.....
Guilty seems to be my middle name as of late. I need to get back on track and know I can't be all things to all people. That's God's job, not mine. So why do I think I can do it?

Scott and my mom

Isn't this a great pic of my brother and mom? I haven't seen him for awhile. He's a great bicycler, and mom is a great runner..faster than me! She's faster than most people at her age! I wish I had their athletic abilities! My sister has that gene too. She has creativity and knows how to put things together in a fashionable way. Also, she's a great gymnist. Me, I'm a wannabee..just keep plugging along. I have to work really hard to keep at a decent weight, them, they don't. They are naturally thin and athletic..where did I come from? I often wonder about that..if I didn't look so much like my father, I would wonder:)

I am knitting a sweater; it's been alot of work. If it wasn't for my knitting group, I know I would not have finished. Kathleen keeps telling me "it's not rocket science", but it doesn't come naturally to me. I admire people who can knit and make beautiful things. Timmie spins her own yarn; she makes socks without even looking at a pattern!
My dream is to become an accomplished knitter, but I honestly don't think that will happen. I'm too clumsy with my fingers and yarn. I will keep trying because it seems I really like the women in my knitting group. I look forward to every Thursday in meeting with them. I listen to them talking about different patterns, yarns, groups and feel so left out, but it's fascinating to listen to them. Maybe someday, I will feel like I can contribute to their conversations.
The only thing I know how to do is teach. I love teaching adults, but lately, I don't seem to be doing enough. I feel like I'm failing my students, and colleagues. I'ts been difficult to meet the needs of everyone. I worked 12 hours everyday last week and still could meet everyone's needs..only scratched the surface. In fact, I miss my knitting group. I teach thursday nights, and they meet on that night...I teach on that night, so I can only meet them for 45 minutes. I wish I could stay longer...

On the upside...what about today???? I'm so happy about the new president!!!! HOPE, is all I can think about,,,,Bush sent my husband oversees and tried to take my job (he took away ALL funding for Adult Education)..thank God for Senater Kennedy; he put a stop to it!

My husband is leaving for Germany this friday; I don't know when he will be home. I miss him. My prayer is for me not to get used to being alone. I'm very concerned about that. I wish I could talk to somebody about this..I have no friends that would understand these feelings. Where do I fit in? Not single, Not Widowed, Not separated, married, but single? Who am I?

Tommiann

want to look like my mom

What a year..where has it gone? I can't believe that this year has gone by so fast. I am so homesick..I can't stand it. I wish I could fly home tomorrow. I feel like I need to be in california. I can't leave Andee; she's not doing well at all. I'm worried, she is too. Her medicine is not working like it should be. I can't leave her alone. She's sleeping with me; she's upset about that and doesn't know what to do. I wish I could take on her disease and make her better; I would give my life for that to happen.
I can't turn to anyone, they don't understand. Sometimes, I don't think I do either, but I'm her hope, rock, and rope. Ralph isn't here..
The economic situation in this county is bad. My heart is hurting for all of those people that are out of work. I was at the unemployment agency today to drop off flyers to our GED program and thought, we are just one paycheck away of being here. My hopes are on the new president, I know that he has a very big task to undertake..I hope he has the support to do this.
Sorry for being negative, but lately, that's all my job is..encountering people who just want to work, have insurance and take care of their families.
Enjoy the pic of my 68 year old mom..she's at a late night run:),
tommiann

my mom

I miss my mom...sometimes I wish I live in Sacramento. If I could move and not be behind financially, I would do it right now. I have missed out on my mom growing old, my sister's children growing up and having a relationship with my sister. I love my husband, but at times, I wonder what i have given up to move, move and move. And now, he's in another country. I wonder what God has in mind for me....I miss teaching, not doing that at my job because of the political climate and people's feelings about immigrants....the list goes on.
The political climate has personally affected my family and I wish that things could go back to normal. I wonder if this election will change things, no matter who's in office. Most people do not have the issues that my family have..a special needs child/no health insurance, a job that directly impacts undocumented immigrants, a retired military husband...so this election is important to us. I do not know who will get in office; I pray that the person who does get elected will care for the middle class family and will try to take care of us, the working family making ends meet.
t

Work day

http://vimeo.com/2008414
I'm not sure if this will work or not..but this video is about work..how much time we spend at work..and does it matter or not..does it?
Lately, I think what I do doesn't matter...politics, work politics,economy, and so forth..seem to interfere with what I want to do..teach ESL to adults.
I told my husband that I just want to teach..that's all. I think all I do now is shuffle paperwork, same ole story, same ole song, same chapter,same scratched record.
I know I make a difference in people's lives...it is the nature of my work. But, work politics is not helping any..what I mean is..I believe our new dean is not for our students..he doesn't know what he is doing,and thinks he does. He doesn't listen to the people in the trenches..he's listening to people who aren't in the trenches..sounds like our political climate, doesn't it?
I'm tired...I'm tired of not having "upper" administration not caring or supporting what we do. How long will our program continue if the upper admin. in our college doesn't see the good of people getting their GED's? Sounds too simple, but it's the truth.
tommiann

Why?

Do you ever wonder why we make the decisions that we make? And do these decisions make us happy?
I used to love my job, but now the aspects are too overwhelming. I'm not teaching, and really not doing too much else. Most people would be happy about getting paid to not do much, but I want to make a difference. It seems that the college's admin. does not like Basic Skills and trying to not let us grow and help students. Our budget is short and we need to cut classes in order to make ends meet. This isn't suppose to be our mission...other colleges put in monies to help basic skills, but my college doesn't. Why? Our unemployment is rising from 8.1 % to more in Dec. 600 people are going to be laid off by May of next year in our county. Basic Skills is their hope, but how are we going to serve these students if we have no money? Where are we going to put these students? Why doesn't the college seem to care?
My supervisor is getting tired...it's difficult to keep pushing for our students and no one is listening.
The above pic is my ESL class working on their thoughts of the US and how much they enjoy living in the US. They only say good things about the U.S. and how much they love the free education for themselves and their children. Interesting, isn't it?

My husband's dad

Ralph's father died Sept 30th....10 years after my dad..Lawrence's birthday is the same day as my dad's, weird.
It's been a very difficult day. Ralph left for Saudia today; he didn't want to go back. How do you as a wife, tell your husband he has to go? I didn't know what to do..his job is there. With the economy in the shape it's in, I don't think we have much of a choice. His job is an airplane mechanic...who's going to fly with the economy in the shape it's in?
He likes his job in Saudia, but he HATES being away from me. I hate it too, but what is the answer?
Andee has health insurance through this company. His other company would not insure Andee..it's not an option.
With his father's death and leaving me, he isn't doing too well.
I think with getting back to a schedule, and the doldrums of the day, it should get a bit easier, but the holidays will be difficult.
This is the part of getting older, losing parents is never easy..combine that with leaving the country, and it's a recipe for emotional mess.
Well, that's all for now
tommiann